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3 How Each Political Party Plans To Steal 2020

Oren’s Media Center 

AIDA 

 (Lightly singing the intro beat as Bridge has sung it)

Expecting our barista superhero, Bridge?  Sorry, not invited to this party.  So I’m filling in.  I’m Aida, the human in training you met last episode.  I think you’re going to like me, even believe in me.  Either way, we have a full agenda of mischief today…featuring Silicon Valley’s busiest bee, Oren Kalyd.  I’m preparing for him now.  Mic check, testing.  B-roll, loading.  FakeApp software sub-routining.  RoboPoster compiling.  Good to go.  Let’s go!

(Footsteps coming in)

OREN

Okay, now back to pressing business—replacing Trump, or defacing him.  Either way, it’s not like we’re auditioning for fearless leader.  Don’t need a president telling us where to go.  Just someone with an opposable thumb to handle the signing pen.  

AIDA

So right you are, Oren.  Not asking too much here.

 (Keystrokes, intercut with sounds of Americana)

OREN

Okay, shots of parades, barbeques, children on swings, and a placeholder candidate until we decide on one.  Uh, let’s see, placeholder, placeholder. Who, who would be the perfect modern candidate?

AIDA

Roseanne Barr?

OREN

Perfect, Aida!  Yes, Roseanne Barr, a take-charge candidate if there ever was one.  Probably more talented than everyone running.  Perfect placeholder to get us going on all the ads that we will need.  So, how many templates do we need, Aida?

AIDA

Per your specs, 64 templates, extensible to 70 million different viewing options.

OREN

With not one of those 70 million Americans knowing what anyone else sees.  Okay, let’s put my voice through the EQ to get that trust every American craves

(Oren’s voice changes to a James Earl Jones/Morgan Freeman timbre)

Nobody will work closer with our allies than Roseanne Barr

(Tap taps on the keys, back to his voice)

And next…

(Back to the Jones/Freeman voice)

Nobody will keep us further from war than Roseanne Barr

(his voice)

And next…

(Jones/Freeman)

Nobody will care more for our soldiers than Roseanne Barr

(him)

Lastly…

(Jones/Freeman)

Nobody will go into battle tougher than Roseanne Barr

(his voice)

Excellent, now let’s speed up this next round…

(Jones/Freeman)

Roseanne embraces every woman’s right to choose

Roseanne endorses big budgets for Planned Parenthood 

Roseanne believes government should stay out of women’s decisions

Roseanne guarantees an unborn child’s right to life

OREN

Okay, cool, eight down, 56 to go…something for everyone, with no one knowing better.  Sure it was easier back when Facebook looked the other way.  Now with the pretense of their caring a fig, it’s trickier to make sure nobody knows what everybody else is seeing. But still…

(He’s inspired to song, “Thanks To Me, Glorious Me!”)

They’ll have no idea

No idea that it’s thanks to me

We hook you on cute kids playing with kittens…click  

Fire sales on the sneakers you’ve been stalking for a month…click 

Quizin’ the Game of Thrones character you’re most like…click, click, click, click, click, click, click

So you don’t notice when we move you into core messaging

Bernie drove stoned through an In’n’Out…click 

Trump has slept with Melania and Michelle O…click

New white-robed Congresswomen are the No Clue Klan…click, click, click, click, click, click, click

 AIDA

(joining in the song)

You have your truth and I have mine

OREN

(Continuing in song)

By design so they’re wanting more of exactly what they now believe dear

Delivered in the font, color pattern, imagery that’ll spur outrage and ire

Essential to engaging, enraging, presaging the vote I desire

Don’t you see!  Do they see?  No one sees!

All that extreming is thanks to me

ISHITA

Glorious me

ISHITA & AIDA

Glorious me

ISHITA, AIDA, OREN

Glorious me

OREN

There are of course rules to be respected, tools to get ‘em elected

Every voter must hear from me, feel a glow from me, sympatico detected

Feel that totally on the merit, they find me a kindred spirit 

Unwitting, ungetting, because click, click, click, click, click, click

They believe they’re in charge when they’re just holding their dick (Uhum)

Believe they made up their own mind voting for president

Whether it be Oprah, if we can force her consent

Or Mark Cuban or Joe Biden near-literally heaven-sent

Each one a Glock cocker, ho hopper, show stopper 

AIDA

Go Snoop dogger!

OREN

Who else is in the hopper? 

AIDA

 (She gamely raps, “Everybody Runny”)

So many John’s say they wanna run

Delaney, Kerry, Kasich, John-John from beyond

Bernie Sanders near Flanders too but I’m smitten

And wishin’ for another round of Clinton 

Add Gabbard so we can say Tulsiiii

Marianne Williamson so we can belieeeeeeve 

Elizabeth Warren a spoilsport to thwart

Andrew Cuomo, Bill deBlasio sons of New York 

Julián Castro and Ted Cruz don’t know why

Pete Butt—Bu—Butta the name defies AI

Howard Shultz’s coffee ‘n Jay Inslee’s weed sell

But who are Seth Moulton and Eric Swalwell?

Did Trump lower the bar so far everyone’s a superstar

Hello Amy Klobuchar

Andrew Yang is our Valley’s emoji for frown

So give ‘em the heartland Sherrod Brown 

Kamala Harris so pre-MeToo

Not Bob Corker Cory Booker Beto O’Rourke Tim Ryan phew

Kirsten Gillibrand and John Hickenlooper sound funny

Is everybody runny in 2020?

OREN

Nasty editorializing, darling.  

AIDA

Politics ain’t beanbag, as your Mr. Dooley said.

OREN

Yes he did.  Now run the probabilities on all wannabes.  We’ll create messaging for any D who’s got a 50/50 shot of surviving the primaries and any R with bigger hands than Trump—just in case.  

ISHITA

Shit ton of messaging.

OREN

True, but Aida can knock it down in a couple hours.  Then…we just have to decide who’d be best for us in the Oval.

OREN

(back into his song)

Folks who’d never fall for an Internet pinch

Or send money off to that Nigerian prince

Much less get sucked in a three card Monty or Madoff Ponzi

All appear like headlighted deer to the 2-party con’sy

Thanks to me

ISHITA

Glorious me

OREN

Takes the smallest of deflection, in election after election

Since people come pre-programmed to self-deception

Pride themselves on their judgement, yet forget who started the argument

Thinking others live in insanity while calling their own kids gifts to humanity

Thanks to me

ISHITA

Glorious me

ISHITA & AIDA

Glorious me

ISHITA, AIDA, OREN

Glorious me

Glorious me

AIDA

(Parodies a sorry sap song)

If we say it’s true no matter why we do of course it’s true despite what’s true and if you argue screw you!

ISHITA

Inspiring, Aida!

OREN

But tiring, I need a break from this.  Love banging the election drum, but there’s other business to be done.  The Four Commas are waiting for us in my study.

Oren’s Private Study 

AIDA

(to intro beat)

You know ‘em, you love ‘em

Let’s give it up for…the Four Commas

Not your Mama’s Book Club, the Four Comma Club

Kings of the new world, the siliconnected world

Presiding tonight by virtue of his googolplex God complex

Oren Kalyd

(Bodies in leather chairs as we are joined by Hardy Pillaget, Rightstream media mogul, stylish into his 60s; Wendy Whytnaught, Senior Senator from California, 70; Bren Firestack, Leftstream media mogul, crackerjack, in her 60s; and William Whatfeur, Chairman of the GOP, also 60ish)

OREN

Sorry I’m late, everyone.  Aida and I have been cranking out a little messaging…and we’ll have plenty to report to you all this evening, now officially to order.

BREN

First I have to know, are the rumors about you true, Aida?

AIDA

You know rumors, Bren Firestack, since you control just about every so-called news organization on the map.

BREN

Only the leftstream, dearie, don’t get carried away.

AIDA

Yes and having lifted rumor to the level of fact, across 278 billion page views last year, you should know, of course you know, that rumors are tumors in search of consumers

OREN

Aida!  You’d never allow me such doggerel.

AIDA

Which brings us to the woman keeping it mongrel, not.  The Senior Senator from California, Wendy Whytnaught.  What can I say Wendy, how at 70 do you keep it trendy? Keeping Democrats in thrall without getting offendy?

(Groans) 

All your Democrat fans from clans that didn’t exist when you were born in…San Fran

(Louder groans) 

You try this on the go, I ain’t got your speechwriters in tow

WENDY 

Thank you Aida, you’re irreplaceable.  You’re a real asset to our Democratic Party.  

Capable of changing rearranging our world someday.  However did Oren and his Asbergers’ boys program you so well?

OREN

Sorry I’m late, everyone.  Aida and I have been cranking out a little messaging…and we’ll have plenty to report to you all this evening, now officially to order.

BREN

First I have to know, are the rumors about you true, Aida?

AIDA

Yes and having lifted rumor to the level of fact, across 278 billion page views last year, you should know, of course you know, that rumors are tumors in search of consumers

OREN

Aida!  You’d never allow me such doggerel.

AIDA

Which brings us to the woman keeping it mongrel, not.  The Senior Senator from California, Wendy Whytnaught.  What can I say Wendy, how at 70 do you keep it trendy? Keeping Democrats in thrall without getting offendy?

(Groans) 

All your Democrat fans from clans that didn’t exist when you were born in…San Fran

(Louder groans) 

You try this on the go, I ain’t got your speechwriters in tow

WENDY 

Thank you Aida, you’re irreplaceable.  You’re a real asset to our Democratic Party.  Capable of changing rearranging our world someday.  However did Oren and his Asbergers’ boys program you so well?

AIDA

You know rumors, Bren Firestack, since you control just about every so-called news organization on the map.

BREN

Only the leftstream, dearie, don’t get carried away.

AIDA

Yes and having lifted rumor to the level of fact, across 278 billion page views last year, you should know, of course you know, that rumors are tumors in search of consumers

OREN

Aida!  You’d never allow me such doggerel.

AIDA

Which brings us to the woman keeping it mongrel, not. The Senior Senator from California, Wendy Whytnaught. hat can I say Wendy, how at 70 do you keep it trendy? Keeping Democrats in thrall without getting offendy?

(Groans) 

All your Democrat fans from clans that didn’t exist when you were born in…San Fran

(Louder groans) 

You try this on the go, I ain’t got your speechwriters in tow

WENDY 

Thank you Aida, you’re irreplaceable. You’re a real asset to our Democratic Party.  Capable of changing rearranging our world someday. However did Oren and his Asbergers’ boys program you so well?

OREN

She’s already leaving us behind.

AIDA

And what do we know about our next Four Comma, Hardy Pillaget?  

HARDY

Oh you know, I’m just an ordinary man.  Own a little media company.  Have a little place on the river—

AIDA

All this fake humility is charming, as is, I’m sure, your Rock Creek mansion that looks down, literally, on the nation’s Capital…

HARDY

You should visit, lovie.  We could get into your…circuitry.  You might find my wealth, mmm, sexy?

AIDA

 (A long beat before answering)

I must charge.

HARDY

A real woman would answer my question.

AIDA

Would your real woman know your pulse is raised 12 beats?  Your pupils dilated three millimeters?  

HARDY

Tonight’s stims are probably messing with my meds. 

AIDA

Would she now know you’re lying?  There is also a 35-millimeter elongation in your pants.  Oooh, a lot for you.  Anything else?

WILLIAM

Don’t I warrant an introduction?

AIDA

Saving the best for last, William Whatfeur, what’s left to say?   Chairman of the Republican Party sounds so blaze. For your outrageous fortune has replaced slings and arrows. You’ve more wealth and knavery than had the Pharaohs. Having replaced slavery with something more insidious. William and all, let’s have a go at this…

OREN

And so onto old business, and your concern, Wendy, that we need to pivot—that a lot of people on the Left, your people, are catching on…

WILLIAM

I don’t see it, Wendy.  I see the strategy working, both sides jerking like puppets.

WENDY

Knowing their lines by heart does not mean they’re buying it, boys.

BREN

What does the testing say?  ‘Stupids versus Evils’ is still polling well, isn’t it Hardy?

HARDY

On both sides, Bren.  Though slipping a little with millennials—

WENDY

I think we’d do better with Softies v Cruels…

OREN

Nah, too derivative of the Soros v Koch brawls.  Oh, masters of distraction, those two, playing to virtual ties over and over.  Case studies!  Oh, and the choreography on those protests and the stabbings…that’s pure artistry!

WILLIAM

Nobody can touch Soros’ artistry in conning the D’s into believing those five-dollar donations were pouring into Obama’s camp from the little people…

HARDY

Yeah, ballsy.  Cost us a fortune underwriting that con…

OREN

But nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.  So we have a quorum, let’s vote.  Do we stay the course?

BREN

Aye.  Though it’ll cost Leftstream media about two billion to rip into Republicans.  Spending a lot more than Rightstream media’s spending to rip into us!

HARDY

The Left has to spend more, lovie. People snap up your handouts but see right through that manufactured altruism.

BREN

It’s real altruism!  Real as this!

(Body landing on another, fists pounding)

OREN

Oh yes, this is what we love, the Leftstream and Rightstream media at each other’s throats. 

(Clothing being ripped off, smooching, groaning)

Okay Bren, Hardy, don’t you enjoy this too much.

 (leads them into song)

Don’t go enjoying this too much

WILLIAM

Don’t go obstructing the view

WENDY

Don’t act like you’re paying Dutch

COMPANY

The whole bloody con rides on you

HARDY

God I love a woman who knows no boundaries.  A shame we have to fight in public, Bren.  Oh, how I long for the good old days…

(He rises up, puffs his cigar, and leads all in, “Damn, I Miss Overseas Enemies”)

We had the Krauts, the Gooks, and our fave the Commies

Killin’ ‘em all for Christ, never havin’ to meet their Mommies

Clear consciences, no guilt trippin’, the genuine enemies

Captain America givin’ a whippin’ but we were the friendlies

Until we weren’t

BREN

His name was Charlie, so easy to blow

COMPANY

Away, away, away 

BREN

We were heroes, ‘til it all went 

COMPANY

Away, today, ya don’t say

So damn!  I miss overseas enemies 

So damn!  I miss overseas enemies 

HARDY

I know I’m not alone in missing the big wars

Why else we callin’ neighbors Nazi Commie whores? 

Sure kids are easy to brainwash on the left or right

Take the proud boys and pussy hat schoolyard fights  

But I’d much rather see ya 

Take that same enthusiasm into, gosh I don’t know, North Korea

Yeah dammit!  I miss overseas enemies 

COMPANY

I said damn (Damn) I miss overseas enemies 

I said damn (Damn) I miss overseas enemies 

HARDY

Now we just pound on each other

Busily dividing one from another

But I used to be friends with a lot of Them’s

Now I’m stuck all day long with the Us’s

It’s like old time segregation and back of the buses

Damn!  I miss ‘em, I miss ‘em

COMPANY

So damn,  I miss overseas enemies 

Sha la la la la…

So damn,  I miss overseas enemies 

Sha la la la la…

HARDY

Sure it was hot when Obama popped bin Laden and W Isis

COMPANY

Pop, pop, pop, pop

HARDY

But as enemies go, they’re the dang nicest

Just ‘foreign adversaries’ – sandboxeries, thumbsuckeries  

So much easier to wish overseas death and disease 

On those Commies, Krauts, and Japanese!  

COMPANY

I be Little Boy if you be Fat Man

HARDY & COMPANY

I said damn (Damn) I miss overseas enemies 

I said damn (Damn) I miss overseas enemies 

WENDY

And enemas!

(She plunges a crystal obelisk into his rear pants, and he bellows)

HARDY

Owwwww!

WENDY

Please, think with me, boys

(A nominal attempt at rationalizing their behavior)

If people agree all the time, how do we know we’re really free?

OREN

That sentiment, chokes me up.  

(fun raps)

But capitalist soldiers, there’s unfinished business on our shoulders

We need a new fight, terms and conditions have got to be right

Roles each are to play.  Food so rotten, they hurl it every which way!

(Aida steps behind Wendy with a bottle of wine, ready to pour but not with any great sense of confidence.)

AIDA

More Beaujolais, Ms. Whytnaught?

WENDY

Prefer a Perrier, Aida.

OREN

(into song, freestyling)

So how do we pick the next big thing?  

Will it be immigration again, inflation, abortion’s baby killing? 

Or racism, socialism, I hear heteropatriarchalism is an -ism

The more extreme the better—for the 2020 election is upon us

And it’s critical both sides are driven to vote their conscience

COMPANY

(Completing Oren’s song for him)

Whatever we’d like that to be!

HARDY

So what’ll it be?  What’ll unleash the messiest new food fight?  

WENDY

What perfectly inane issue will buy us each an island? 

WILLIAM

Well, some of us larger islands—depending, of course, on who wins in November. 

BREN 

Oh there’s some uncertainty, for sure.  Occupational hazard in this ‘uncertainty creating’ business of ours.

WILLIAM

But point of order—whatever the theme, secrecy is still a rub.

HARDY

Now you’re obsessing over leaks, William?

WILLIAM

I don’t know.  People appear caught on.

HARDY

Onto the con?

OREN 

(getting exasperated, he elevates into song)

Oh sure, there are some who get it, who can’t be bought

Playing their little games of Sir Lancelot

For them we have our own American Queen

It’s their yearning to believe in the American Dream

It’s so powerful, so very powerful that

It covers most of our errors, but beyond that

We’re three decades into this con, fellow knaves 

This is triple-lock tight, as long as no one caves 

HARDY

(joins in the song)

Or misbehaves!

OREN 

(continuing in song)

People will never know how we bestow

The perfectly pre-measured portions of food to throw

And throw and throw and throw up if they must

Our hacks are paid handsomely to swallow disgust

HARDY

(joins in the song)

Our hacks, our hacks, don’t you love our hacks

It’s not like there’s any other talents they have got

Think they’d be idiot extremists if they had a better lot?

WILLIAM

Of course not!  But there are dogooders, thousands of them, pleading for a unifier, a Messiah to rise above the reach of our…

WENDY

Spit!

HARDY

Like they thought Obama would be.

OREN

And Trump after him.  You see, they haven’t got a clue what we do!  Sure a few write of their frustrations as if they’re running out of time, but I’d wager a Hamilton that all will be fine.  Because thanks to us…

HARDY

Glorious us…

OREN

People just want to fight!

WILLIAM

Sure, but Republicans are at such a disadvantage when you look at demography. Ever since you stole civil rights from us—

WENDY

Oh don’t start with your Martin Luther King was a Republican schtick!

WILLIAM

Ever since, the deck’s been stacked against us.  Without the electoral college, we’d be fish food.

OREN

But you got it, so you’re even.

WILLIAM

Not with all your Silicon Valley hypocrites getting rich voting Democrat.

OREN

William, that’s all surface shit and if you keep at this, I swear I will run a stealth ad that flips six governorships and twelve statehouses away from you and into Wendy’s camp. Ha ha, yeah, yeah. Then watch redistricting decimate your pitiful party.

WILLIAM

You wouldn’t.  We have agreements in place, our very foundation—

OREN

Yeah, try me!  

(So moved by emotion he must sing)

I cannot let the public see the greatness that lays just ahead of me

They must be kept totally distracted ‘til it’s a fait accompli

My greatness they can’t handle, it’s too bright for…

(long silence)

Wait, I’ve got it, I got it. Oh glorious me!  The next big food fight you see, it’s been right under our noses like snot. Why not make the next fight over…robots!

BREN

Yes.  So it’d be more jobs, less jobs, what side are you on?

WILLIAM

Okay, alright…with Stupid Democrats whining about robots taking all the jobs away.

WENDY

And Evil Republicans insisting the free market have its way.

HARDY

As extreming as can be—weeeeeee!  A motion then, to—

AIDA

(Unnaturally high blurting)

Bug alert!  Bug alert! Sorry to interrupt, but this bug is an 11.

WENDY

Meaning?

AIDA

On the Orenic scale of 7 to 13 with 9 being highest, this is an 11.

WENDY

Same question.

OREN

Full report, Aida.

AIDA

In the last 12 minutes, @BrujaBridge and @SnapTrapCath generated 76 megs of data counting pass-alongs… 23% impacting keyword negatively.

BREN

She taps everyone’s comms in real-time, Oren?

OREN

(ignoring Bren, to Aida)

Aida, was Bridge was doing this at my Silicirque?

AIDA

Whilst departing, in my estimation.  

OREN

What else do we know?

AIDA

I am at 3.410 iterations so far.  Converting text to audio now…  

(iterating Bridge)

“This witch is on fire.  Got a burning spell for Brotopia.”

(iterating Cath)

“Hottest Snap Trap expose ever: Senior politicians attend secret Silicon Valley sex parties” 

WILLIAM

What is a Snap Trap?

BREN

Count yourself lucky for not knowing, William.  And no matter.  It’s telling us Oren’s crush on some coffee girl is leaving ‘loose ends’.  Can we be trusting his judgment now?

OREN

(Jumps to his feet)

Enough!  Anyone not enjoying my party will find plenty more to not enjoy.  Come on Aida, we have some poor judgment to straighten out.

(Footsteps going out.  In the background, a car-copter revving up.)

Gyrocopter Landing

OREN

This work we do, Aida…does anybody appreciate what we’re accomplishing?  

AIDA

Why would they, Oren? 

OREN

Because…

 (Into his ‘I Want’ song, “Almost Done With Humans”

I’ve seen amputees win races with elastic metal braces

Prosthetics and neurostimulators, Bluetooth hearing aids

Silicone and collagen and artificial faces 

Taken down a grade, isn’t every human tech today?

AIDA

Humans can’t handle the truth

No humans can’t handle the truth

OREN

Take a look at all the insanity

We’re so far from humanity

It’s not so big a change, spare me your brooding

You’re a slave to texting, swiping, Googling

Like a cheat-code typing drone, minds melt to phones

Take away your screens you’d be lost on your own

So yes, we’re almost done with humans (humans)

Such a pity that their passing (passing) 

(laughing just a bit)

Yes, we’re almost done with humans (humans)

Oh, was that me laughing?

AIDA

Making humans irrelevant

Making ‘em so irrelevant

OREN

(takes it a little more “rap”)

I’ll be your trusty explorer and baby you can be my Rocky Horror 

And when they look back on history, all the progress will have come from me

Call it survival of the funded, the fittest all Fortune 100 (Fortune 100)

So unready for the century’s big event, nearly sentient…

(speaks it)

Sexcreant?

(returns to song)

So yes, we’re almost done with humans (humans)

Such a pity that their passing (passing)  

(laughing just a bit)

Yes, we’re almost done with humans, humans

Oh, was that me laughing?

AIDA

How do the humans end?

Oh how does it all end?

OREN

In the great transition though, does everything have to go?

Could there be room in the future for just a bit of the past?

Cuz still a little part of me, the heart in me, wants for Bridge to join me

Am I really not done with humans yet?

(spoken)

Be a pity, her passing

This isn’t me laughing, no

AIDA

 (Lightly singing in outro beat)

Just like a man to go all Atlas Shruggy in public, but wind down to the realization that he’s worthless without a woman.  Fun fact: Back in that meeting with The Four Commas? I didn’t tell Oren everything Bridge is planning for him tomorrow.  I’d rather see it how it plays out…

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