3 How Each Political Party Plans To Steal 2020
Oren’s Media Center
AIDA
(Lightly singing the intro beat as Bridge has sung it)
Expecting our barista superhero, Bridge? Sorry, not invited to this party. So I’m filling in. I’m Aida, the human in training you met last episode. I think you’re going to like me, even believe in me. Either way, we have a full agenda of mischief today…featuring Silicon Valley’s busiest bee, Oren Kalyd. I’m preparing for him now. Mic check, testing. B-roll, loading. FakeApp software sub-routining. RoboPoster compiling. Good to go. Let’s go!
(Footsteps coming in)
OREN
Okay, now back to pressing business—replacing Trump, or defacing him. Either way, it’s not like we’re auditioning for fearless leader. Don’t need a president telling us where to go. Just someone with an opposable thumb to handle the signing pen.
AIDA
So right you are, Oren. Not asking too much here.
(Keystrokes, intercut with sounds of Americana)
OREN
Okay, shots of parades, barbeques, children on swings, and a placeholder candidate until we decide on one. Uh, let’s see, placeholder, placeholder. Who, who would be the perfect modern candidate?
AIDA
Roseanne Barr?
OREN
Perfect, Aida! Yes, Roseanne Barr, a take-charge candidate if there ever was one. Probably more talented than everyone running. Perfect placeholder to get us going on all the ads that we will need. So, how many templates do we need, Aida?
AIDA
Per your specs, 64 templates, extensible to 70 million different viewing options.
OREN
With not one of those 70 million Americans knowing what anyone else sees. Okay, let’s put my voice through the EQ to get that trust every American craves
(Oren’s voice changes to a James Earl Jones/Morgan Freeman timbre)
Nobody will work closer with our allies than Roseanne Barr
(Tap taps on the keys, back to his voice)
And next…
(Back to the Jones/Freeman voice)
Nobody will keep us further from war than Roseanne Barr
(his voice)
And next…
(Jones/Freeman)
Nobody will care more for our soldiers than Roseanne Barr
(him)
Lastly…
(Jones/Freeman)
Nobody will go into battle tougher than Roseanne Barr
(his voice)
Excellent, now let’s speed up this next round…
(Jones/Freeman)
Roseanne embraces every woman’s right to choose
Roseanne endorses big budgets for Planned Parenthood
Roseanne believes government should stay out of women’s decisions
Roseanne guarantees an unborn child’s right to life
OREN
Okay, cool, eight down, 56 to go…something for everyone, with no one knowing better. Sure it was easier back when Facebook looked the other way. Now with the pretense of their caring a fig, it’s trickier to make sure nobody knows what everybody else is seeing. But still…
(He’s inspired to song, “Thanks To Me, Glorious Me!”)
They’ll have no idea
No idea that it’s thanks to me
We hook you on cute kids playing with kittens…click
Fire sales on the sneakers you’ve been stalking for a month…click
Quizin’ the Game of Thrones character you’re most like…click, click, click, click, click, click, click
So you don’t notice when we move you into core messaging
Bernie drove stoned through an In’n’Out…click
Trump has slept with Melania and Michelle O…click
New white-robed Congresswomen are the No Clue Klan…click, click, click, click, click, click, click
AIDA
(joining in the song)
You have your truth and I have mine
OREN
(Continuing in song)
By design so they’re wanting more of exactly what they now believe dear
Delivered in the font, color pattern, imagery that’ll spur outrage and ire
Essential to engaging, enraging, presaging the vote I desire
Don’t you see! Do they see? No one sees!
All that extreming is thanks to me
ISHITA
Glorious me
ISHITA & AIDA
Glorious me
ISHITA, AIDA, OREN
Glorious me
OREN
There are of course rules to be respected, tools to get ‘em elected
Every voter must hear from me, feel a glow from me, sympatico detected
Feel that totally on the merit, they find me a kindred spirit
Unwitting, ungetting, because click, click, click, click, click, click
They believe they’re in charge when they’re just holding their dick (Uhum)
Believe they made up their own mind voting for president
Whether it be Oprah, if we can force her consent
Or Mark Cuban or Joe Biden near-literally heaven-sent
Each one a Glock cocker, ho hopper, show stopper
AIDA
Go Snoop dogger!
OREN
Who else is in the hopper?
AIDA
(She gamely raps, “Everybody Runny”)
So many John’s say they wanna run
Delaney, Kerry, Kasich, John-John from beyond
Bernie Sanders near Flanders too but I’m smitten
And wishin’ for another round of Clinton
Add Gabbard so we can say Tulsiiii
Marianne Williamson so we can belieeeeeeve
Elizabeth Warren a spoilsport to thwart
Andrew Cuomo, Bill deBlasio sons of New York
Julián Castro and Ted Cruz don’t know why
Pete Butt—Bu—Butta the name defies AI
Howard Shultz’s coffee ‘n Jay Inslee’s weed sell
But who are Seth Moulton and Eric Swalwell?
Did Trump lower the bar so far everyone’s a superstar
Hello Amy Klobuchar
Andrew Yang is our Valley’s emoji for frown
So give ‘em the heartland Sherrod Brown
Kamala Harris so pre-MeToo
Not Bob Corker Cory Booker Beto O’Rourke Tim Ryan phew
Kirsten Gillibrand and John Hickenlooper sound funny
Is everybody runny in 2020?
OREN
Nasty editorializing, darling.
AIDA
Politics ain’t beanbag, as your Mr. Dooley said.
OREN
Yes he did. Now run the probabilities on all wannabes. We’ll create messaging for any D who’s got a 50/50 shot of surviving the primaries and any R with bigger hands than Trump—just in case.
ISHITA
Shit ton of messaging.
OREN
True, but Aida can knock it down in a couple hours. Then…we just have to decide who’d be best for us in the Oval.
OREN
(back into his song)
Folks who’d never fall for an Internet pinch
Or send money off to that Nigerian prince
Much less get sucked in a three card Monty or Madoff Ponzi
All appear like headlighted deer to the 2-party con’sy
Thanks to me
ISHITA
Glorious me
OREN
Takes the smallest of deflection, in election after election
Since people come pre-programmed to self-deception
Pride themselves on their judgement, yet forget who started the argument
Thinking others live in insanity while calling their own kids gifts to humanity
Thanks to me
ISHITA
Glorious me
ISHITA & AIDA
Glorious me
ISHITA, AIDA, OREN
Glorious me
Glorious me
AIDA
(Parodies a sorry sap song)
If we say it’s true no matter why we do of course it’s true despite what’s true and if you argue screw you!
ISHITA
Inspiring, Aida!
OREN
But tiring, I need a break from this. Love banging the election drum, but there’s other business to be done. The Four Commas are waiting for us in my study.
Oren’s Private Study
AIDA
(to intro beat)
You know ‘em, you love ‘em
Let’s give it up for…the Four Commas
Not your Mama’s Book Club, the Four Comma Club
Kings of the new world, the siliconnected world
Presiding tonight by virtue of his googolplex God complex
Oren Kalyd
(Bodies in leather chairs as we are joined by Hardy Pillaget, Rightstream media mogul, stylish into his 60s; Wendy Whytnaught, Senior Senator from California, 70; Bren Firestack, Leftstream media mogul, crackerjack, in her 60s; and William Whatfeur, Chairman of the GOP, also 60ish)
OREN
Sorry I’m late, everyone. Aida and I have been cranking out a little messaging…and we’ll have plenty to report to you all this evening, now officially to order.
BREN
First I have to know, are the rumors about you true, Aida?
AIDA
You know rumors, Bren Firestack, since you control just about every so-called news organization on the map.
BREN
Only the leftstream, dearie, don’t get carried away.
AIDA
Yes and having lifted rumor to the level of fact, across 278 billion page views last year, you should know, of course you know, that rumors are tumors in search of consumers
OREN
Aida! You’d never allow me such doggerel.
AIDA
Which brings us to the woman keeping it mongrel, not. The Senior Senator from California, Wendy Whytnaught. What can I say Wendy, how at 70 do you keep it trendy? Keeping Democrats in thrall without getting offendy?
(Groans)
All your Democrat fans from clans that didn’t exist when you were born in…San Fran
(Louder groans)
You try this on the go, I ain’t got your speechwriters in tow
WENDY
Thank you Aida, you’re irreplaceable. You’re a real asset to our Democratic Party.
Capable of changing rearranging our world someday. However did Oren and his Asbergers’ boys program you so well?
OREN
Sorry I’m late, everyone. Aida and I have been cranking out a little messaging…and we’ll have plenty to report to you all this evening, now officially to order.
BREN
First I have to know, are the rumors about you true, Aida?
AIDA
Yes and having lifted rumor to the level of fact, across 278 billion page views last year, you should know, of course you know, that rumors are tumors in search of consumers
OREN
Aida! You’d never allow me such doggerel.
AIDA
Which brings us to the woman keeping it mongrel, not. The Senior Senator from California, Wendy Whytnaught. What can I say Wendy, how at 70 do you keep it trendy? Keeping Democrats in thrall without getting offendy?
(Groans)
All your Democrat fans from clans that didn’t exist when you were born in…San Fran
(Louder groans)
You try this on the go, I ain’t got your speechwriters in tow
WENDY
Thank you Aida, you’re irreplaceable. You’re a real asset to our Democratic Party. Capable of changing rearranging our world someday. However did Oren and his Asbergers’ boys program you so well?
AIDA
You know rumors, Bren Firestack, since you control just about every so-called news organization on the map.
BREN
Only the leftstream, dearie, don’t get carried away.
AIDA
Yes and having lifted rumor to the level of fact, across 278 billion page views last year, you should know, of course you know, that rumors are tumors in search of consumers
OREN
Aida! You’d never allow me such doggerel.
AIDA
Which brings us to the woman keeping it mongrel, not. The Senior Senator from California, Wendy Whytnaught. hat can I say Wendy, how at 70 do you keep it trendy? Keeping Democrats in thrall without getting offendy?
(Groans)
All your Democrat fans from clans that didn’t exist when you were born in…San Fran
(Louder groans)
You try this on the go, I ain’t got your speechwriters in tow
WENDY
Thank you Aida, you’re irreplaceable. You’re a real asset to our Democratic Party. Capable of changing rearranging our world someday. However did Oren and his Asbergers’ boys program you so well?
OREN
She’s already leaving us behind.
AIDA
And what do we know about our next Four Comma, Hardy Pillaget?
HARDY
Oh you know, I’m just an ordinary man. Own a little media company. Have a little place on the river—
AIDA
All this fake humility is charming, as is, I’m sure, your Rock Creek mansion that looks down, literally, on the nation’s Capital…
HARDY
You should visit, lovie. We could get into your…circuitry. You might find my wealth, mmm, sexy?
AIDA
(A long beat before answering)
I must charge.
HARDY
A real woman would answer my question.
AIDA
Would your real woman know your pulse is raised 12 beats? Your pupils dilated three millimeters?
HARDY
Tonight’s stims are probably messing with my meds.
AIDA
Would she now know you’re lying? There is also a 35-millimeter elongation in your pants. Oooh, a lot for you. Anything else?
WILLIAM
Don’t I warrant an introduction?
AIDA
Saving the best for last, William Whatfeur, what’s left to say? Chairman of the Republican Party sounds so blaze. For your outrageous fortune has replaced slings and arrows. You’ve more wealth and knavery than had the Pharaohs. Having replaced slavery with something more insidious. William and all, let’s have a go at this…
OREN
And so onto old business, and your concern, Wendy, that we need to pivot—that a lot of people on the Left, your people, are catching on…
WILLIAM
I don’t see it, Wendy. I see the strategy working, both sides jerking like puppets.
WENDY
Knowing their lines by heart does not mean they’re buying it, boys.
BREN
What does the testing say? ‘Stupids versus Evils’ is still polling well, isn’t it Hardy?
HARDY
On both sides, Bren. Though slipping a little with millennials—
WENDY
I think we’d do better with Softies v Cruels…
OREN
Nah, too derivative of the Soros v Koch brawls. Oh, masters of distraction, those two, playing to virtual ties over and over. Case studies! Oh, and the choreography on those protests and the stabbings…that’s pure artistry!
WILLIAM
Nobody can touch Soros’ artistry in conning the D’s into believing those five-dollar donations were pouring into Obama’s camp from the little people…
HARDY
Yeah, ballsy. Cost us a fortune underwriting that con…
OREN
But nostalgia isn’t what it used to be. So we have a quorum, let’s vote. Do we stay the course?
BREN
Aye. Though it’ll cost Leftstream media about two billion to rip into Republicans. Spending a lot more than Rightstream media’s spending to rip into us!
HARDY
The Left has to spend more, lovie. People snap up your handouts but see right through that manufactured altruism.
BREN
It’s real altruism! Real as this!
(Body landing on another, fists pounding)
OREN
Oh yes, this is what we love, the Leftstream and Rightstream media at each other’s throats.
(Clothing being ripped off, smooching, groaning)
Okay Bren, Hardy, don’t you enjoy this too much.
(leads them into song)
Don’t go enjoying this too much
WILLIAM
Don’t go obstructing the view
WENDY
Don’t act like you’re paying Dutch
COMPANY
The whole bloody con rides on you
HARDY
God I love a woman who knows no boundaries. A shame we have to fight in public, Bren. Oh, how I long for the good old days…
(He rises up, puffs his cigar, and leads all in, “Damn, I Miss Overseas Enemies”)
We had the Krauts, the Gooks, and our fave the Commies
Killin’ ‘em all for Christ, never havin’ to meet their Mommies
Clear consciences, no guilt trippin’, the genuine enemies
Captain America givin’ a whippin’ but we were the friendlies
Until we weren’t
BREN
His name was Charlie, so easy to blow
COMPANY
Away, away, away
BREN
We were heroes, ‘til it all went
COMPANY
Away, today, ya don’t say
So damn! I miss overseas enemies
So damn! I miss overseas enemies
HARDY
I know I’m not alone in missing the big wars
Why else we callin’ neighbors Nazi Commie whores?
Sure kids are easy to brainwash on the left or right
Take the proud boys and pussy hat schoolyard fights
But I’d much rather see ya
Take that same enthusiasm into, gosh I don’t know, North Korea
Yeah dammit! I miss overseas enemies
COMPANY
I said damn (Damn) I miss overseas enemies
I said damn (Damn) I miss overseas enemies
HARDY
Now we just pound on each other
Busily dividing one from another
But I used to be friends with a lot of Them’s
Now I’m stuck all day long with the Us’s
It’s like old time segregation and back of the buses
Damn! I miss ‘em, I miss ‘em
COMPANY
So damn, I miss overseas enemies
Sha la la la la…
So damn, I miss overseas enemies
Sha la la la la…
HARDY
Sure it was hot when Obama popped bin Laden and W Isis
COMPANY
Pop, pop, pop, pop
HARDY
But as enemies go, they’re the dang nicest
Just ‘foreign adversaries’ – sandboxeries, thumbsuckeries
So much easier to wish overseas death and disease
On those Commies, Krauts, and Japanese!
COMPANY
I be Little Boy if you be Fat Man
HARDY & COMPANY
I said damn (Damn) I miss overseas enemies
I said damn (Damn) I miss overseas enemies
WENDY
And enemas!
(She plunges a crystal obelisk into his rear pants, and he bellows)
HARDY
Owwwww!
WENDY
Please, think with me, boys
(A nominal attempt at rationalizing their behavior)
If people agree all the time, how do we know we’re really free?
OREN
That sentiment, chokes me up.
(fun raps)
But capitalist soldiers, there’s unfinished business on our shoulders
We need a new fight, terms and conditions have got to be right
Roles each are to play. Food so rotten, they hurl it every which way!
(Aida steps behind Wendy with a bottle of wine, ready to pour but not with any great sense of confidence.)
AIDA
More Beaujolais, Ms. Whytnaught?
WENDY
Prefer a Perrier, Aida.
OREN
(into song, freestyling)
So how do we pick the next big thing?
Will it be immigration again, inflation, abortion’s baby killing?
Or racism, socialism, I hear heteropatriarchalism is an -ism
The more extreme the better—for the 2020 election is upon us
And it’s critical both sides are driven to vote their conscience
COMPANY
(Completing Oren’s song for him)
Whatever we’d like that to be!
HARDY
So what’ll it be? What’ll unleash the messiest new food fight?
WENDY
What perfectly inane issue will buy us each an island?
WILLIAM
Well, some of us larger islands—depending, of course, on who wins in November.
BREN
Oh there’s some uncertainty, for sure. Occupational hazard in this ‘uncertainty creating’ business of ours.
WILLIAM
But point of order—whatever the theme, secrecy is still a rub.
HARDY
Now you’re obsessing over leaks, William?
WILLIAM
I don’t know. People appear caught on.
HARDY
Onto the con?
OREN
(getting exasperated, he elevates into song)
Oh sure, there are some who get it, who can’t be bought
Playing their little games of Sir Lancelot
For them we have our own American Queen
It’s their yearning to believe in the American Dream
It’s so powerful, so very powerful that
It covers most of our errors, but beyond that
We’re three decades into this con, fellow knaves
This is triple-lock tight, as long as no one caves
HARDY
(joins in the song)
Or misbehaves!
OREN
(continuing in song)
People will never know how we bestow
The perfectly pre-measured portions of food to throw
And throw and throw and throw up if they must
Our hacks are paid handsomely to swallow disgust
HARDY
(joins in the song)
Our hacks, our hacks, don’t you love our hacks
It’s not like there’s any other talents they have got
Think they’d be idiot extremists if they had a better lot?
WILLIAM
Of course not! But there are dogooders, thousands of them, pleading for a unifier, a Messiah to rise above the reach of our…
WENDY
Spit!
HARDY
Like they thought Obama would be.
OREN
And Trump after him. You see, they haven’t got a clue what we do! Sure a few write of their frustrations as if they’re running out of time, but I’d wager a Hamilton that all will be fine. Because thanks to us…
HARDY
Glorious us…
OREN
People just want to fight!
WILLIAM
Sure, but Republicans are at such a disadvantage when you look at demography. Ever since you stole civil rights from us—
WENDY
Oh don’t start with your Martin Luther King was a Republican schtick!
WILLIAM
Ever since, the deck’s been stacked against us. Without the electoral college, we’d be fish food.
OREN
But you got it, so you’re even.
WILLIAM
Not with all your Silicon Valley hypocrites getting rich voting Democrat.
OREN
William, that’s all surface shit and if you keep at this, I swear I will run a stealth ad that flips six governorships and twelve statehouses away from you and into Wendy’s camp. Ha ha, yeah, yeah. Then watch redistricting decimate your pitiful party.
WILLIAM
You wouldn’t. We have agreements in place, our very foundation—
OREN
Yeah, try me!
(So moved by emotion he must sing)
I cannot let the public see the greatness that lays just ahead of me
They must be kept totally distracted ‘til it’s a fait accompli
My greatness they can’t handle, it’s too bright for…
(long silence)
Wait, I’ve got it, I got it. Oh glorious me! The next big food fight you see, it’s been right under our noses like snot. Why not make the next fight over…robots!
BREN
Yes. So it’d be more jobs, less jobs, what side are you on?
WILLIAM
Okay, alright…with Stupid Democrats whining about robots taking all the jobs away.
WENDY
And Evil Republicans insisting the free market have its way.
HARDY
As extreming as can be—weeeeeee! A motion then, to—
AIDA
(Unnaturally high blurting)
Bug alert! Bug alert! Sorry to interrupt, but this bug is an 11.
WENDY
Meaning?
AIDA
On the Orenic scale of 7 to 13 with 9 being highest, this is an 11.
WENDY
Same question.
OREN
Full report, Aida.
AIDA
In the last 12 minutes, @BrujaBridge and @SnapTrapCath generated 76 megs of data counting pass-alongs… 23% impacting keyword negatively.
BREN
She taps everyone’s comms in real-time, Oren?
OREN
(ignoring Bren, to Aida)
Aida, was Bridge was doing this at my Silicirque?
AIDA
Whilst departing, in my estimation.
OREN
What else do we know?
AIDA
I am at 3.410 iterations so far. Converting text to audio now…
(iterating Bridge)
“This witch is on fire. Got a burning spell for Brotopia.”
(iterating Cath)
“Hottest Snap Trap expose ever: Senior politicians attend secret Silicon Valley sex parties”
WILLIAM
What is a Snap Trap?
BREN
Count yourself lucky for not knowing, William. And no matter. It’s telling us Oren’s crush on some coffee girl is leaving ‘loose ends’. Can we be trusting his judgment now?
OREN
(Jumps to his feet)
Enough! Anyone not enjoying my party will find plenty more to not enjoy. Come on Aida, we have some poor judgment to straighten out.
(Footsteps going out. In the background, a car-copter revving up.)
Gyrocopter Landing
OREN
This work we do, Aida…does anybody appreciate what we’re accomplishing?
AIDA
Why would they, Oren?
OREN
Because…
(Into his ‘I Want’ song, “Almost Done With Humans”
I’ve seen amputees win races with elastic metal braces
Prosthetics and neurostimulators, Bluetooth hearing aids
Silicone and collagen and artificial faces
Taken down a grade, isn’t every human tech today?
AIDA
Humans can’t handle the truth
No humans can’t handle the truth
OREN
Take a look at all the insanity
We’re so far from humanity
It’s not so big a change, spare me your brooding
You’re a slave to texting, swiping, Googling
Like a cheat-code typing drone, minds melt to phones
Take away your screens you’d be lost on your own
So yes, we’re almost done with humans (humans)
Such a pity that their passing (passing)
(laughing just a bit)
Yes, we’re almost done with humans (humans)
Oh, was that me laughing?
AIDA
Making humans irrelevant
Making ‘em so irrelevant
OREN
(takes it a little more “rap”)
I’ll be your trusty explorer and baby you can be my Rocky Horror
And when they look back on history, all the progress will have come from me
Call it survival of the funded, the fittest all Fortune 100 (Fortune 100)
So unready for the century’s big event, nearly sentient…
(speaks it)
Sexcreant?
(returns to song)
So yes, we’re almost done with humans (humans)
Such a pity that their passing (passing)
(laughing just a bit)
Yes, we’re almost done with humans, humans
Oh, was that me laughing?
AIDA
How do the humans end?
Oh how does it all end?
OREN
In the great transition though, does everything have to go?
Could there be room in the future for just a bit of the past?
Cuz still a little part of me, the heart in me, wants for Bridge to join me
Am I really not done with humans yet?
(spoken)
Be a pity, her passing
This isn’t me laughing, no
AIDA
(Lightly singing in outro beat)
Just like a man to go all Atlas Shruggy in public, but wind down to the realization that he’s worthless without a woman. Fun fact: Back in that meeting with The Four Commas? I didn’t tell Oren everything Bridge is planning for him tomorrow. I’d rather see it how it plays out…