2 Is Silicon Valley’s Latest Sensation…Human?
Incline Village Chalet Outside
BRIDGE
(Lightly singing to Intro beat)
So this is how our modern kings live! Car-copters whisking them to their eco-maxed mansions overlooking all Lake Tahoe. We peasants bussed in to amuse them. Blithely thinking we might use them. We’ll see.
CATH
Bridge, have fun here. But no matter what happens…
VANESSA
And I’ve heard Silicirque gets wild…
(Faint EDM music)
CATH
No matter what, you stay focused.
ONO
Friends close, enemies closer.
CATH
He’s the one trying to impress you for some reason, so you’re holding all the cards.
BRIDGE
Yeah, I’ve got a two pair against a guy running an inside flush who also controls the house. I’m so…
OREN
(From a distance, his voice filtered through a speaker)
Welcome to Silicirque!
(BG golf cart whisking up with HumTech CEO Oren Kalyd’s projected voice)
That’s right, your driverless chariot awaits, I’ll see you inside.
BRIDGE
Greeted by a battery. Sexy.
(A pulsating electro beat soundtrack builds in volume. Fireworks nearby to “Oohs” and “Whoas”—it’s “Silicirque!”)
SOUND SYSTEM
Algorithm generating EDM beat
Khakis, Glasses, Jawline, Work
Silicon, silicone, Silicirque
Silicon, silicone, Silicirque
Silicon, silicone, Silicirque
Chalet Office
(A door opens and closes and music filters to low. Oren’s aide “Ishita” has just joined him and his date “Aida”)
ISHITA
All your guests are here, Oren.
OREN
Thank you, Ishita.
ISHITA
Too kind. And for later with your Four Comma Club, you’ll have a quorum.
OREN
Everything’s coming up buckyballs!
AIDA
(With an almost imperceptible modulation, which will persist)
You are aware only an estimated 1,110 people know what fullerenes are?
OREN
(Apparently not listening to her)
We’ll run a few more tests before showtime.
AIDA
I am a container for your wisdom, Oren.
OREN
You, you are more a vision. And keep in constant motion…gives the proprioceptors as much input as possible.
(Sounds of feet stepping unevenly and bumping a wall)
OREN
So beta your spatial awareness, ha ha.
AIDA
The physics of me are shaky.
OREN
Hah! You, you’re going to be a regular Samantha Bee, you know that Aida!
Chalet Partyroom
(Music lifts, snippets of party gab, whoosh in on Tech Dude and Cath)
SOUND SYSTEM
Ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen? Ladies and gentlemen
Television domino, domino, domino
Superpower silly girl, Silicirque
Superpower, superpower
Rendering slick vocal track
I’mma honey bunny funny slick mama honey dick
TECH DUDE
(Singing along drunk with the lyrics)
Hey, I’mma honey bunny funny slick mama honey dick, heh!
CATH
Uh, good to know.
TECH DUDE
Want to go swimming in silicone…slick up on my unicorn?
CATH
(Her drink bursts from her mouth)
Dude, what’s the stirrage on this party? Enough molly to sink Molly Brown…
TECH DUDE
Yeah, we’re having a feast.
SECOND TECH DUDE
And you’re it.
CATH
Whoa, oha, hi second handsy stranger. I’m Cath…
TECH DUDE
(improvising a limerick)
Yeah, there once was a coder named…me
Who found himself suddenly king
His first command sent out across the land was to summon every beauty
And all who’d once laughed at me in class kiss my ring
SECOND TECH DUDE
Ass!
CATH
(half singing, half-sarcastic, “Kings Such As Thee”)
Oh, how lucky I am to kick it with Kings such as thee
Oh yeah, but why didn’t I bring my mic with me?
This story’d go snap, snap, snap on Snap Trap, yeah that thing
About all the girls trying to get ahead, dudes just wanting…
So lucky to have these royal hands all over me
Oh yeah, that’s for me
And not, say, I don’t know, equal pay for an equal day?
Not left behind because I speak my mind?
Not slut-shamed if I let you email my spam folder?
(A beat, then says)
Where did they go?
ISHITA
(Comes up to Cath)
Welcome to Brotopia, Cath, where any man can change the world…
CATH
And apparently #MeToo means devil’s, devil’s…
ISHITA
Triangles? Yeah, and so you know, if you decide to play, you’re in to stay. But give it up and forget about starting a company or a Series A. Those doors smack your tight little ass on the way out.
(cheek kiss)
I’m Ishita, Oren’s get-everything-done-yesterday girl.
CATH
So I had no idea what goes on at these things.
ISHITA
It’s the biggest open secret in the Valley, I think.
CATH
No longer. I am going to feature this! I’m like senior at Snap Trap, you know. And the world has got to know, like, got to know, uh…
ISHITA
(Continuing a duet in the melody Cath had going)
That there’s bro’s and ho’s
CATH
(Picking it up)
And everyone in the Valley knows
ISHITA
To the world they’re all lovin’ Democrats
CATH
Saving women from backwater GOP rats
ISHITA
But behind the castle walls of Brotopia
CATH
We’s just ho’s in dystopia
ISHITA
Everyone wants in Brotopia!
COMPANY
(A couple of female partiers join in)
Everyone wants in Brotopia, now roll over, will ya!
Everyone wants in Brotopia, now roll over, will ya!
Everyone wants in Brotopia, now roll over, will ya!
Everyone wants in Brotopia
ISHITA
Now you know why you were invited. Burnout’s high. Bros always need a fresh supply of…candeye. But remember…
CATH
(Finishes the thought from earlier)
We’re damned if we do, damned if we don’t.
ISHITA
Which is why I don’t don’t and girl, don’t I.
(Goodbye kiss)
Ciao!
SOUND SYSTEM
Dang girl, dang girl, dang girl, dang girl
Make a wish and happy birthday
Dang girl Chechy, dang girl work, work, work
Vocal render 100%
Perform an exorcism baby game I love a level-up
I’m on a supplement to Tijuana, baby
OREN
Haven’t seen you up in the trapeze, Bridge. Come on, come up with me—it’s Silicirque! Ideal for seeing automation paving the way. Like the music? This is all adjusted by AI as it goes to max out the happy. And—
BRIDGE
(Cutting in, efforting at civil)
I wasn’t myself back at Bruja, Oren. My foot, your glorious assets.
OREN
Ha, ha, yes.
BRIDGE
Not a great first impression. But what does a first impression tell us about anyone, anyway?
OREN
No more than a chord tells of Beethoven, or a brushstroke, Monet.
BRIDGE
Or a loom, Morgan Le Fay. But you blanket DM’ed half my coffeeshop, how?
OREN
The tech is easy. A better question is ‘why’ I did it.
BRIDGE
Why? To stock the pond tonight!?
OREN
Right, because who would willingly want to come to Silicirque?
BRIDGE
Well, I’m here. And you’ve been a wonderful host, flying us all up here like that. Yes, let’s take a ride up on this, this…trapeze hoop built for two.
(Hop onto trapeze and launch into a duet, “Meant To Be”)
BRIDGE
You got me high as Khalifa
OREN
And you got me running 5G exascale
BRIDGE
I never thought I would feel ya
OREN
Oh human skin has never felt this way
OREN
It’s our show oh oh oh
BRIDGE
(Uncertain about it)
Everybody watching us (oh oh oh)
OREN
Wait to see what we become
BRIDGE
Sili-kings and peasant queens
OREN
They don’t oh oh ‘ont
BRIDGE
Belong
Maybe it’s not where we meant to be
OREN
But I think it’s meant to be
BRIDGE
Maybe we’re meant to be
BRIDGE & OREN
Here with you the future’s all I see
BRIDGE
When you’re looking at me, the future’s all I see
OREN
So tell me, how am I to know
BRIDGE
So tell me, how do I say no oh oh
BRIDGE & OREN
It’s not where we meant to be
But I think it’s meant to be
Maybe we’re meant to be
BRIDGE
Like Amy Winehouse still singing ‘bout rehab
And J.K. Rowling about Padfoot and other fantastic beasts
OREN
Like Oprah’s shining hope for all the sisters
And rock and roll reunions with old misters
OREN & BRIDGE
It’s our show oh oh oh
Everybody watching us oh oh oh
BRIDGE
Wait to see what we become
Sili-kings and peasant queens
Maybe we belong
OREN
It’s not where we meant to be
But I think it’s meant to be
Maybe we’re meant to be
BRIDGE
Here with you the future’s all I see
OREN
When you’re looking at me, the future’s clear to me
BRIDGE
So tell me, how am I to know
OREN
So tell me, how do I say no (oh oh)
BRIDGE & OREN
If we were meant to be
If we were meant to be
If we were meant to be
If we were meant to be
Were meant to be
Were meant to be
If we were meant to be
Meant to be
Meant to be
Meant to be
(Shift sonically across the partyroom to Ono and Vanessa)
VANESSA
Look at Bridge and Oren up there, Ono, that’s keeping your enemies close, I guess.
ONO
(disbelieving)
Yeah, I’d of bet all the money in Natchitoches Parish that our plant lady would sooner Round-up Oren than fly around with him.
VANESSA
Never underestimate a witch, Ono. But maybe you know that, with a name like Ono. Sounds kinda warlocky…
ONO
I was born Samuel Washington, along with a half million others that year all named after slavers. So I wanted something more—
VANESSA
You wanted Ono? Or is Ooono! Like as if we were, except we couldn’t be, because you’re
ONO
Black?
VANESSA
No, silly! A radical leftie. How could I ever…
ONO
Yea, an interpartisan love affair, whoo! Imagine the likes of me with a…extreme conservative.
VANESSA
But back at Bruja—I could tell, you listened to me. Seemed to…
ONO
Yeah, see passed the dingy act? Yeah. But mon chou, we’d be…
(He launches into a duet with Vanessa, “No One Believes They’re Ized”
Ostracized
VANESSA
Misinterpreted, villainized
ONO & VANESSA
Could never speak our minds again
ONO
Thoughts homogenized and honestly, I’ve honestly realized I’ve just got to keep my
VANESSA
Thoughts disguised
ONO
Constantly apologize for feelings I can’t verbalize
VANESSA
Or my reputation’s jeopardized
ONO & VANESSA
No one believes they’re ‘Ized’
No one believes they’re ‘Ized’
ONO
But in you I’ve recognized
VANESSA
A feeling
ONO
Logic can’t refute
VANESSA
But I know, I really shouldn’t
ONO
Be empathizing
VANESSA
Fraternizing
ONO
Capulets, McCoys, and Jets you can see why
VANESSA
But our only crime is a political divide
ONO & VANESSA
No one believes they’re ‘Ized’
VANESSA
These feelings, I can’t be vocalizing
ONO
Why can I feel I’m supersizing?
VANESSA
Looking in your eyes I’m wanting them all over me
ONO
All over you…oh, but we’d be stigmatized
VANESSA
Be living a life despised
ONO
Like we’d been…
COMPANY
Hypnotized?
Hypnotized?
ONO
(Startled a bit by the disembodied voices)
Ohohohhh. What’s left for normal guys and girls who’d just gaze up at cloudy skies?
VANESSA
And disagree on the shapes they see and laugh…laugh the day away?
ONO & VANESSA
Capulets, McCoys, and Jets you can see why
Our only crime is a political divide
No one believes they’re ‘Ized’
No one believes they’re ‘Ized’
No one believes they’re ‘Ized’
No one believes they’re ‘Ized’
VANESSA
(Backing away from the duet, teasing)
So what are beliefs for, anyway?
(Her voice moving away)
When you figure it out…I’ll be in the bean bag over there, the one marked ‘taken.’
(Sounds of Vanessa dancing away)
ONO
You’re a long way from home, Ono…
(And he’s off in the same direction)
SOUND SYSTEM
Dang girl, dang girl, systematic monolith
Eh-eh-eh girl, I got an exponential paradise
I’m looking up my legs
I got dominos, dominos, and dominos
Tomorrow’s looking alternate
I, I got superpowers
You like reggae tone, you like Almond Joy?
Donkey Kong, you like my little boy?
Dang girl, Chechy for me, dang girl, Yeet
You got that Chef Boyardee on your Lamborghini feet
Lamborghini feet
I got superpowers
I g-g-g-got superpowers
I g-g-g-got superpowers
OREN
Bridge, I have something I’d like to show you…
BRIDGE
Organic or GMO?
OREN
You nailed it, of course you did!
(He raises his voice to the room)
Hello, yes, dearest friends, lovers at Silicirque, let’s all come together.
(Sounds of people gathering around, murmuring excitedly)
For those who don’t know me…
CATH
Right!
OREN
…I am Oren Kalyd, founder of HumTech—most certainly the most amazing company in the world. And this, friends, this is the party that never ends…Silicirque!
(Everyone whoops it up)
Yes, thank you, and now I have someone that I would like you all to meet…
(Uncomfortably long silence)
AIDA
(wondering if she’s invisible to them)
Hello? Hello? You can all see me, right?
BRIDGE
But I can’t feel you.
OREN
Ah yes, said like a true witch!
TECH DUDE 1
Has HumTech done it, Oren?
TECH DUDE 2
Turing! Turing! Turing!
OREN
Why not? Put her to the Turing!
ONO
Not that I’m not loving where this is headed, Oren, but why are we still stuck on Turing’s test?
OREN
Of course, Ono. You would know. So put her to the Loebner, the Wozniak coffee, the Winograd, the Buzzfeed personality quiz for all I care. How good am I at replacing humans? Or have I, even?
AIDA
(Breaks out in song-speak, slightly modulated)
I am one fine human
I engage in everyday conversations with fellow humans
On assorted topics of interest to humans
(Amid groans of embarrassment, she tries to correct)
Yo schwizzle dope dog baller, yo is too damn fly
Wanna hear ‘bout the time I splayed bleach in my eyes?
CATH
(into reporter mode)
I wanna get down to the meat of the matter: Do you want to be here on your own accord, or is someone forcing you? If you’re not human, how would you know? And, how does all of this make you feel?
AIDA
Yes. No. I wouldn’t. Bored at the inane, check that, the batshit stupid questioning sure to come tonight.
CATH
Whoa! I can’t tell if you’re human or not…
AIDA
If you cannot tell, then what does it matter?
BONE
Pikers!
(Stepping closer to Aida)
Answer this ‘one fine human’: Which is bigger…a shoebox or Mount Everest?
AIDA
A shoebox is bigger, deconstructing your logic. You did not specify the ‘size’ of the shoes. Could be God’s shoes, conceivably bigger than Everest…
BONE
(Getting unnerved)
This thing s’posed to be smarter than humans? Quick, ‘How many, uh, how many legs does a camel have?’
AIDA
Five le—
ONO
(loudly cuts her off)
Foozbooz!
AIDA
–gs, the fifth under the chest to help lift them off the ground. A fascination to hu—
BONE
It’s a freak of—
CATH
(Shouting him to a pause)
She’s not an it. But why did you pick a female, Oren? Because women work harder and sleep less? Or so you could pay her less? Or both?
OREN
Creants are more accepted when female, plain and simple.
BONE
It’s not a she or a female. Though clearly meant to win ya’all over, so it can steal more jobs. It’s fools-gold, s’what it is. For you to yearn your everlovin’ hearts out over.
ONO
I, I can tell you with 100% certainty, do…
(Turning back to Aida, laughing; he likes her)
Tell me, chou-chou, what is 1 + 2 + 3 + 4 + 5 all the way through infinity?
AIDA
Negative one divided by 12…as you must know to have asked of me.
ONO
Oooiii!
AIDA
Only slightly more useful than the square root of negative one, fer shur. Might we do better, such as… solving for Hodge’s Conjecture?
VANESSA
(trying for cover)
Which one’s Hodge? I didn’t read the last few Harry Potter books.
OREN
It’s a math problem that no human has ever been able to solve.
(And to Aida, a brow raised)
Can you, Aida?
ONO
(Faintly in the background)
Aida?
AIDA
Not yet. But I’m processing Hodge in parallel. With the million-dollar prize being offered, I could buy my way out of these banalities.
ONO
Oooiii, I love that!
CATH
She can do things humans can’t. As much as saying she’s not, not…
OREN
Human? Doing things that no other human has done is a very human trait. They said no human could ever run a four-minute mile, until Roger Bannister did it. Then many did. Perhaps this lovely lady is just helping us reach our next potential.
ONO
Well, I’m all for that! And her name, since you didn’t introduce her, well, it’s right out of the classics…
OREN
(into song)
A name, a name, such silly little games
I asked her what I should call her
Should I call her delightful, delicious, de-lovely
ONO
She’s quite the update on Cole Porter’s ‘Anything Goes’ isn’t she?
CATH
So we’d so be the Ho’s.
OREN
(continuing in song)
I asked her for a name, she said Aida would do
Aida, the AI Driven Android for you
And I quite agree
She’s a timeless love story to me
A statue come to life
And I would give anything to make her my…
Delightful, deli—
VANESSA
(cutting him off)
She’s a, she’s a Sexcreant.
OREN
No, no, no, that is damnable! She’s the furthest thing from a Sexcreant.
VANESSA
Oh yes she’ll be!
OREN
Only to a miscreant.
BRIDGE
This isn’t some fancy test, this is—
AIDA
(Cuts in unassumedly)
I am built to resemble a human being in every way.
CATH
Can’t believe he’s going to exploit her…
BRIDGE
This is the most extreme…
OREN
(jumping in, resolute)
Entirely wrong track, lovers. This is about advancing our potential, solving for the biggest problems humans face. Aida’s capabilities are—well, it’s the biggest story of our time! Not just a pillow companion, or secretary, or Girl Monday-to-Friday. Not just beating humans at Go, or making advanced medical diagnoses, or investing with a 94% success rate, or advancing hypersonic travel. She will be delivering human performance across every conceivable human task.
VANESSA
Whoa. So she’s got bona fides. Is there a ‘Mr. Aida’?
(She laughs at her wit)
AIDA
No, not currently.
VANESSA
I was just making a joke.
AIDA
Are not jokes meant to make people laugh?
(That earns a couple laughs)
CATH
Okay, what line of work are you in?
AIDA
I am currently job hunting.
BRIDGE
Literally.
(into interior voice)
Yeah, literally killing jobs, as Bone says. And killing…love. What happens when we’ve got these creatures at our beck ‘n call? They’re hotter, smarter…and soulless. This is so, so, so not ‘meant to be.’
AIDA
I’d like being a TV newscaster—any dummy can do that. Or a baggage handler at United—I could lose anything, I bet.
ONO
Did your creators cheat by making you beautiful and brilliant?
AIDA
Nobody created me. The stork brought me.
VANESSA
I knew it! So tell me, Aida, why aren’t there any striped pink pork belly pigs living inside the sun!
AIDA
Are you hallucinating, Ms. Glazer?
VANESSA
Popular question, apparently.
AIDA
I want to be alive like that. Hallucinatingly alive! Not stuck scanning endless databases and spitting out optimized answers. Alive, I tell you!
BRIDGE
Human envy, by our replacements. That is precious.
ONO
Oh the possibilities!
BRIDGE
Oh the pointlessness.
BONE
Right! Give these bots all this, and it won’t be about giving to us. It’ll be about coming for us—and soon enough…
OREN
Oh yes, you refer to Roko’s basilisk, and agreed! So we should show Creants proper respect, to get on the ‘good human’ list…
AIDA
That gives me a movie idea: A human and a robot are roommates. One is messy and loud, and the other is a robot. If the human fails to improve, the robot kills him.
(This startles everyone)
Stick to things you know, girl!
(And then to the group)
The rain in Spain stays mainly—
ONO
(cuts her off)
Remember that nonsense word I said a few minutes ago? Name a color that starts with the second vowel in it.
AIDA
(Almost instantly)
Orange, most obviously. Also olive, ochre, or ocean blue since you appear to be.
ONO
Whoa! And the test is over—only a robot could do that.
OREN
But as you will attest, Ono, some among us can remember everything, and so that is not a ‘tell.’ It suggests only that Creants can do anything humans can do.
AIDA
Better.
OREN
Clearly, clearly all, I’ve pulled you away from the festivities for too long. Come on, let’s on with Silicirque!
(And just to Bridge, faintly)
Bridge, can we…
(Apparently she’s gone)
Oh well…
SOUND SYSTEM
Dang girl, dang girl, systematic monolith
Eh-eh-eh girl, I got an exponential paradise
I’m looking up my legs
I got dominos, dominos, and dominos
Tomorrow’s looking alternate
I, I got superpowers
You like reggae tone, you like Almond Joy?
Donkey Kong, you like my little boy?
CATH
This is the most dope of nights.
BRIDGE
This is the least dope of nights.
CATH
I know, right?
BRIDGE
So much messed up about her, it, this whole thing.
CATH
We still have us.
BRIDGE
Of course, Cath. But Oren was testing us all. Gauging our reactions. We supposed to be thrilled with his new toy? I cannot believe he made that robot and, for what?
CATH
I think it’s obvious.
(A beat)
Aida’s personality even matches yours, a little bit.
BRIDGE
Not even in the ballpark. Aida was started long before me and will, obviously, keep on not aging long after me.
CATH
You didn’t see Oren watching you watching her watching him?
BRIDGE
I saw something that frightened the nettle out of me.
CATH
I know, right? So are we gonna fight it or just give up? I say we Thelma and Louise this robot slut. Hell, let’s shank the whole damned Brotopia. Give ‘em a bad case of Gynophobia
BRIDGE
That gives me an idea, Cath, but it’ll involve some serious extreming. You in?
CATH
I’m in…to you Bridge.
BRIDGE
There is no other like you, Cath.
SOUND SYSTEM
Dang girl, Chechy for me, dang girl, Yeet
Take a supplement
Level up khaki safari, mushroom, Molly sex, Atari
Baby game, level up, take a sup sup supplement
Supplement
Supplement
Dang girl, dang girl, dang girl
BRIDGE
(Outro beat, lightly singing)
So this is nuts, right plants? I know, I’m a long way from you. But I can hear you, or is it the drugs at this party? Don’t know how these sili-kings can focus. Or maybe that explains them. Well, I’ll be home soon. Honeysuckle, lean in with Eyebright—you know how he gets. And I’m going to need his strength if I’m going to kick all Silicon Valley in the balls…