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1 Feeling The Way You’ve Always Wanted To Feel

Cast of Characters

BRIDGE HAMILTON  — 27-year old coffeeshop gypsy proprietress

OREN KALYD — Early-40s, tech genius, CEO of Humtech

AIDA  — AI Driven Android, almost human, 30ish, created by Oren

CATHRYN “CATH” ENDERLY  23-year old Hispanic activist and blogger 

VANESSA GLAZER — 30ish blonde fun-loving bodybuilder, conservative

ONO — 25, black and handsome, an eidetic liberal who can code

BONE ENDERLY — Mid-30s, old-fashioned white and angry, Cath’s step-bro

BREN FIRESTACK — Leftstream media mogul, crackerjack, in her 60ish

HARDY PILLAGET — Rightstream media mogul, stylish into his 60s

WENDY WHYTNAUGT — Senior Senator from California, 60ish

WILLIAM WHATFEUR — Chairman of the Republican Party, also 60ish


Bruja Coffeeshop

(A match strikes, candles crackle to life, we meet “Bridge” who’s rapping with her plants in a morning ritual as steadily rise up around her the sounds of Silicon Valley’s wokiest coffeeshop.)

BRIDGE

So awesome to be in the drug business, right little plants?  Yeah, folks have got to have ‘em!  And coffee, the best.  No one makes it like we do.  With all our added…scrumtrulescence.  Oh no, I don’t tell ‘em which plants I add.  Better they don’t know why they feel the way they’ve always wanted to feel. 

 (Joined by louder sounds of coffeeshop)

ONO

I have to ask, why is there a balance beam in the middle of a coffee shop?

BRIDGE

It’s laying on the floor, not like you’re Simone Biles’ing.  But hop and see, leads you to me!

(feet jumping onto a balance beam, taking two steps, then falling off and hopping back up again.)

ONO

That was even harder than it looked.  Case you couldn’t tell, I could use, uh…

CUSTOMER

 (Starts a four-part song, apparently a standard in the shop)

Don’t go asking for no menu

CUSTOMER

Bridge knows what’s best for you

CUSTOMER

Order whatever you’d like

CUSTOMER

You may even get it

ONO

Could use a mocha, vodka, Xanax, latte as purple-pink as your hair.

BRIDGE 

Slipped twice on the balance beam, once to the left, once to the right, I see you could use…

(wind rushing, chimes jingle)

Or maybe the spirits are taking you another way, new friend named…?

ONO

Ono, I’m Ono.  And what am I missing here?

CATH

(Background singing)

Not your ordinary coffeeshop

Nothing like it anywhere

BRIDGE 

Here you go, Ono.  With turmeric for atmospherics, and Damiana for fire tonight, as if any girl’d put up a fight.

ONO

(sipping his drink)

Ah, Bruhaaaaah!  I think I love ya!  But what’s a whole garden doing in a… coffeeshop?

BRIDGE

That little patch of soil there…once worked by the Ohlone tribe…gives us all the healing spirits we need.  Yet even now, they want to pave it over, and me with it.

(feet nailing the approach on the beam)

BRIDGE

Nailed it.  Beam score 4.7.  Top of the morning, you pixel perfect proprietress!  

BRIDGE

Hi Cath…

BRIDGE

Still getting those sick Antigua beans?

BRIDGE

By any means Cath, because they bring me your long tall draw of frothy beauty.

CATH

I’m so gonna blog that to my Insta Ho’s. This Bruja witch makes the best, best…

BRIDGE

Cup a Joe?

(Cath grumbles)

There is no other like you, Cath. Can’t talk now. We gotta catchup after the rush.

(Sound of footsteps away)

CATH

(She’s found a corner to retreat into and sing, “Dumb Ecstasy”)

She barely sees me (Dumb dumb ecstasy)

She’s so into me (Dumb dumb ecstasy)

How’ll I get her on me? 

Maybe on her pants spill coffee? 

No that’s so (dumb dumb dumb dumb ecstasy)

Now poetry, that’s supposed to work 

“To a future of serendipity, I thee wed” (Dumb ecstasy)

Bet ya that purple hair makes great bed head

She says ‘there is no other like me’

And I’m plumb frozen in my dumb ecstasy (Dumb ecstasy)

(Sonic shift across the room to greet the preening female bodybuilder, Vanessa Glazer)

VANESSA 

Even hopping backward right foot only, nailed the beam.  I think in the future every coffee shop will have one.  So you barista witch genius, how’s this for the perfect drink: Half-calf béchamel triple cortado with rose hips spray.

BRIDGE

Or, celery juiced oysters for you, Vanessa, since you’ll be getting g’ed today.  

VANESSA

Yeaaaa, I could use that!

(notification ping)

CATH

 (Lifts her voice to the room)

Speaking of Vanessa, she’s trending for 500 feet in both directions.  Did everyone see this?  Vanessa?  On Insta…

COMPANY

Oooooooh!

CATH

(Sing-reading her phone, sarcastic, gayfully ironic medieval)

Quoth Vanessa, 

‘I’m so truly hashtag blessed to have this opportunity

But I want to run it by you, so you know what’s up with me

After slumming through Sub-Asia, funded by my faithful father

Who I’m hashtag proud to say I’m hashtag grateful is a doctor

I will use my liberal arts degree to be a pig walker!’

(Whoops and table slapping)

VANESSA

(plopping on couch next to Ono)

Yeah you know, Ono, you said your name is Ono, right . . . all the billionaires have potbelly pigs now.

ONO

Actually, it’s one in thirteen who do.

VANESSA 

Oh I could just drink you, Ono, because I like you a latte.  I’m Vanessa Glazer and as you can tell, kinda a star around here…

ONO

But what’s the deal with the barista?

VANESSA 

You mean Bridge?  Oh yeah, she’s got admirers in fourteen hemispheres.  

ONO

I’ve never seen anyone rocking shocking purple hair like her.  

VANESSA

It’s part of her witchery.

ONO

Okay then, what’s the story on her shoulders?

VANESSA

So cool, right?  Those tats she’s got, they’re like balance scales, one on each shoulder.

ONO

Making her the balance.

VANESSA

You know Bridge is not the one who just landed a pig-walking gig…

(bouncing on the couch as she sings along with the song that’s live streaming on everyone’s phones, Pig Walking Gig)

Look at me, look what I did                          

Got me a pig walking gig                              (Ooooh)

Gonna walk that pig right out his estate              (Ooooh)

Gonna sashay on out to the Golden Gate (Ooooh)

Gonna teach that pig to pee on a pad                 (Ooooh)

Ooooh, his master’ll be so glad                   (Ooooh)

(whoops and hollers)

VANESSA 

I am just so much fun to be with!

ONO

Uh, do I come here often?  

VANESSA 

You might two, three times a night, if you play your cards right.  

ONO

What is really in this coffee?  Everyone here—

CATH

Okay Vanessa, enough with the PDA! Look where your hands are, in public!  I’m reporting this! 

ONO

Why is she reporting this?

CATH

Because, Ono, I am the west coast blogger for Snap Trap…

ONO

Snap, what?

CATH

Really?  Only the only true reporting on who is ignoring whose texts, c’mon!

 (Continuing her medieval schtick)

Anyway and verily and shit, the people hath also commented upon Vanessa’s post, in praise of her virtuous sacrifice. But also because Vanessa is hot, she did receive like 500 Likes…

(More whoops and hollers)

VANESSA

Oh yeah, I did.

ONO

Oh yeah you did.

ONO

(As facetious as he’s capable of)

Well, mark me safe!  No one’s, uh, tik-tokking me right now…

VANESSA

Aaaahhhhhhh!

BRIDGE

Everything’s steppin’ up, stepping up

Everything’s steppin’ up

(Door opening and heavy boot steps–this is Bone, mid-30s)

BONE

I’ll have me a grande salted caramel mocha frappuccino, three pumps mocha, three pumps toffee nut syrup.  Add an ice cube.

BRIDGE

Adding a splash of insulin, you boob.

CATH

Bone?  What are you doing here?  

BONE

Howdy sis.  Am seeing how the other half lives.

BRIDGE

Cath, are you two, is this your…

CATH

Bone is my half-brother or something—you know parents.

BRIDGE

Not really.  But welcome, Bone.  How’d you come by that name?

CATH

I’d be careful with that.

BONE

As Saint Reba says, you gotta have a wishbone, gotta have a backbone, and gotta have a funnybone. 

BRIDGE

And?

BONE

I’m Bone.  And whatchu implying, Cath?  That I can’t hang with your pretty friends?

CATH

You’ve never wanted to hang with us.

BONE

I came by, Cath, to tell you, as if you care, that I’m a goner.  And because I do care, I think you should come with me.

CATH

What?

BONE

No idea what’s coming, do ya? This 2020 election is going to blow the toilet to the sky.  

VANESSA

Oh right, another election.  Is the refrigerator here running, Bridge?  I’ll vote for it.

BONE

Pathetic’ing the wrong way, girl.  It’s gonna be a shitfest.  Sea to freakin’ sea.  I’m getting out while I still can.  And say what you will, but I don’t want you to have to suffer for your… beliefs.

CATH

Are you OK?  You’re sounding super paranoid, Bone.

BRIDGE

That’s right, November’s coming. That’s what’s bringing out all this anger.  That’s what’s sapping our strength, little plants.  All the anger and…

(Door opening, “Invader Detected” sound effect–Oren Kalyd has entered)

CATH        

Whoa, it’s Oren Kalyd.

VANESSA

He’s a God!  What’s he doing here?

OREN

Good morning, Bridge.  Just love Bruja—nothing else like it!  Today I’ll take mine black as profit, hot as scalability, pure as cashflow, and sweet as my love for—

BRIDGE 

Jama mama Ayn Rand, there’s no one-upping Talleyrand.  And what’s with this man, his wanting to turn my garden into more paved land.

OREN

Excuse me?  That was an inspired order!  Especially coming from your most ardent admirer!

BRIDGE

I’m adding a little moon water to your drink today, Oren.

OREN

But Bridge, I want the warmth of your thousand suns.

BRIDGE

Then nuke that mofo in the microwave!  Next…

OREN

Heh, I’m trying—to give you something. What you do, it can be replicated. All automated.  Just think, you won’t have to get up at the crack of dawn any more….

BRIDGE

I like getting up in the morning.

OREN

Won’t have to deal with customers any more.  And because I think so highly of you…

BRIDGE

Yeah, we met Monday.

OREN

I am willing to bring you along and make you a part of what is happening.  

BRIDGE

Still droning on, huh? 

OREN

And it’s not just the work.  You yourself can be replicated as well.

BRIDGE

Heh, have you met Vanessa?

VANESSA

(into a burst of song)

Oren Kalyd, as I live and bleed!  I’m Vanessa Glazer, and you should know I’m strong as an ox…

OREN

Not now.

VANESSA

(Gets coquettish)

But nubile as a cat…meow!  

(Shifts to what she considers gravitas)

Also, all business, I’m built for this.  See this?  This is my resting Pitch face.

OREN

Okay, you’ve got 5 seconds. 

VANESSA

Okay then, it’s like uber for—

OREN

Pass.

VANESSA

An app that tells others when you’re about to pass gas…called Wind Advisory?

OREN

Eeh, pass.

VANESSA

Saved the best for last – a Period Tracker app!

OREN

Go on.

VANESSA

Okay, so you just bleed on your phone and—

ONO

(Calls over from his table)

Why am I not linked to this?  

VANESSA 

See, the market’s with me!  

OREN

Automating women’s periods—you’re onto something.  I’ll have Ishita from my office get back to you. But for now, got to run…

COMPANY

Here in Silicon Valley

VANESSA

You show up at the coffee shop

Pitch ‘em right on the spot 

COMPANY

The deals go well if the coffee’s hot

VANESSA

And here at Bruja it’s pure magic

Away from the outside, the tragic

ONO

Oh, there’s plenty of jobs, they say

Conveniently forgetting that those jobs pay 

About what the Olds made back in their day

COMPANY

Whoa oh oh…oh Ono!

BRIDGE

All I know is…

Everything’s steppin’ up, steppin’ up!

Cause down on the bottom rung

CATH

Bottom of the two-rung ladder

BRIDGE

Everything’s steppin’ up, steppin’ up!

Any steps in the middle? Looks like none

You know a two-rung ladder don’t make it right 

All the steps in the middle have come undone

A two-rung ladder don’t make it right 

COMPANY

Two-rung ladder don’t make it right 

Two-rung ladder don’t make it right 

BRIDGE

So right.  Hey, hold the fort—I’m stepping out for a bit.

BARISTA

Got it.

(She steps out and, shaken by the negativity of the day, retreats into song, “You’re An Original, Let’s Replicate!”)

BRIDGE

Why can’t you just leave me free?

Tending my coffee garden ‘n store

Is it ‘meant to be’ if nothing’s left of me?

Why’n set me up as your little whore?

 (taking “their” voice)

You’re an original, love it, let’s replicate

You’re an original, why won’t you replicate?

 (back to her voice)

I give in then what? Wherever I go, I’ll already be there

In Tupelo, there I already am, flaming hair and all

Oh in Tokyo, there I already am, replaced everywhere

Down in Sao, Paulo I am again with no one at all

 (she pauses, lost, then angrily throws her arms at unseen tormenters and again takes “their” voice)

You’re an original, love it, let’s replicate

You’re an original, why won’t you replicate?

 (back to her voice)

Don’ wanna make a big scene, heh

Just wan’ a love worth fighting for

Don’t need some stunnin’ Gosling or Selena

Just hopin’ they’re the next feet through my door

 (turns even angrier throwing her into a freestyle rap)

So why is everything replicated, knocked off, deepfaked, don wan

St. Bernoodles, Weimeruskies, temp tats, what’s that, don wan 

Brazilian butt lifts, online child care, artisanal chicken waffles, don wan

Electric Harley’s, outrage algorithms, Trumpeteers, Smolleteers, don wan

Don wan don wan don wan 

None of that whoring!   

None of that whoring! 

None!  

(again softer)

All I want is another original, making us one

Is that too much to ask of…anyone?

(Oren has been lurking, watching, though Bridge hasn’t noticed.)

OREN

Not too much to ask.

BRIDGE

Oren Kalyd? What the f—

OREN

(Parodying Bridge’s wish for simpler times)

It was so much easier then

Pretty young things all in their summer bloom 

Sailing like regattas down city streets in June

Their sweet bare skin…made you think of ice cream

Now all inked up and looking like flotsam 

The fisherman brought up from the bottom 

(Switches in song to his real voice)

All tatted up, Bridge, but singing of simpler times 

All tatted up but you could’ve made it in the shade

All tatted up but don’t you see, you could be totally free!

BRIDGE

You’re trespassing.  Who I am, how I am, what I am…none of your business.

OREN

Actually, it is my business.  And getting back to that, Bridge, you’ve created ‘amazing’.  Throughputting at 167.3 percent of the next best.  You’ll be the next unicorn, what everyone wants.  All the world will know Bruja.  Will know…you.  Your magic.  It’ll all be flawlessly automated—

BRIDGE

Automated?

OREN

Okay, here we are, we are negotiating!  Think of your talents as being franchised.  

(ceramic cup hurtled, crashing against the wall)

BRIDGE

Compromised.

OREN

We’re talking about an entirely new coffee experience, with all I can do for you!

(another cup hurtled, crashing)

Oh, okay, I’ll bump the offer…six million.  Can you taste them beans?

(Chair kicked out of the way and gasps as a leg flies up, clearly connecting with Oren’s balls. Pained and angry…)

You bitch!!  Your supply…your supply of Antigua beans could become precarious!

BRIDGE

(not amused)

Hilarious!

(but then contrite, only a bit)

Truly sorry, Oren, my foot made its way into your most glorious of assets…

OREN

 (Breathless, recovering only slightly)

There are easier ways for a woman to get a leg up in this world.  But the wheels are already turning on this, with or without you.  I am here because of what I thought was respect for you, admiration hah, hah, wanting to include you in the process.  But I don’t need your permission. And you’ll see that, soon enough.

(Oren leaves…after a long beat, various ringtones—one after another)

VANESSA  

(Sing-reading her phone)

Whoa, no sooner is Oren out the door than I get a text from him.  Oh, he’s invited me to Friday’s Silicirque – p’taying at Incline!

CATH 

Crack my screen, me too!  It says ‘dine, shine, and recline’.

BRIDGE 

How’d Oren do that…so quickly? This Friday at nine, may I send a lift for…thine?  Is he serious?  

VANESSA  

We’re getting the full Oren press!

ONO

And why, it’s no guess

CATH

Oren Kalyd’s parties are sick cool

VANESSA

Resistance is futile.

BONE

Oh yay, super rich guy brings every limerated woman he knows to the palace to get high and slut it out.  And you’re all so woke, you’ll give him what he wants and pretend it’s about feminism and body positivity.

(Gasps, place quieting)

CATH

(instantly triggered)

Don’t give me any of that sexist shit, bro.  Yeah, you should take your sorry act out of the country.

BONE

Whether I’m there or not, the sexist shit is going to be waiting for you at Incline.  

CATH

You, you heteropatriarchalist Trumpkin!  Hear me and hear my 60 million sisters.  We are done with the whole pussygrabbing mentality!

BONE

That’s a shame.

VANESSA 

(appearing complicit)

All about sisters helping sisters, right Cath?  

CATH

Right on!

VANESSA 

Like our fearsome feminist icons, Cher and Chelsea, attacking successful Sarah Sanders, calling her a harlot, a summer whore.  That solidarity!

CATH 

Whoa, Vanessa!  You actually believe that?  

VANESSA 

It was on Fox News!

CATH 

Sure didn’t see it on CNN!                            

BONE

What the hell’s happened to ya’all?  

CATH 

Not enjoying the pale male club anymore.

BONE

But don’cha know, America worked…

CATH 

Sure, it worked for your daddy…

BONE

Our daddy, sis.  You can’t run away from that.  And ‘cause of him, America worked—unlike anything ya’all ever seen! Yeah

CATH 

Yeah, worked by screwin’ over my Honduran mother, who he didn’t mind screwing in the first place…

BRIDGE

(Interior mind)

Oh, my plants.  You look even, even worse…

BONE

You just don’t want to work at anything—so busy playing the lesbo card.  Wanna just put your hands in my pocket!

CATH 

Puleese!  None of us want jack from your pocket!

BONE

Sweet child of Moses!  Why can’t you be normal?  

CATH 

Why can’t you be gender fluid?

BONE

So you get to throw insults, but not me.  And you’ve got offensive down.

ONO

(booms in matter-of-factly)

Oh there’s offending all around.  Did you know America ranks way down at 49th in the world on treating people equally? 

BONE

Like we should be #1 at that!  Quality over equality—all day long.

CATH

It’s that kind of caca-mansplainin’ that got our universities thankfully outlawing the term “man.”  

BONE        

Wha-what?                 

CATH 

Putting an end to your patriarching in public!  

BONE

Stale words, failgirl.  I’ve seen your posts.  

(into faux gayboy verse)

They get three pity Likes at best?

(Cath snarls and turns to her laptop.  Across the room, Vanessa sidles up to Ono on the couch.)

ONO 

But Vanessa, mon chou, a woman without a man in her is just wo…

VANESSA 

I know, Ono, and this outlawing of man means…no more mandates for women?  Or managerial roles. 

ONO

And the Manatee has got to go.

VANESSA 

Oh, oh, and preying mantises though—nice how the female devours the male whole.

ONO

You can prey on me…all liabilities-assumed-and-otherwise, waived.

(Shuffling on couch as Vanessa moves closer)

CATH

You really going, Bone?

BONE

Only to get as far away from your kind as I can, sis.  And all your gender rending…

CATH

That’s a good choice, Bone.  Your ride is over.  It’s our turn.

VANESSA 

(overhearing, calls across the room)

Always been our turn, we just had to work harder. Ginger Rogers—danced backwards in high heels and did everything Astaire did. Janet Guthrie—fastest qualifier for the Indy 500 and the good old boys just wanted her to fetch coffee.  None of them wanted any handouts or set-asides or…

BONE

You on drugs, Vanessa?

CATH 

Duh.  Nobody does drugs and becomes more Republican.  

(Sound of exaggerated sniffing a line)

Oh!  Oh!  Let’s take away more women’s reproductive rights!

BONE

Once again with your rule by iron tampon, you women.  

 (Chair flies as she starts for him)  

Oh, rose petal, did I say some non-PC truth?  

CATH 

PC is just common decency you…cretin!           

BONE

Know how your precious PC began? 

ONO

Comrade Stalin, actually. 

BONE

That’s right, Commies used your PC to murder millions…  

BRIDGE 

And we have a winner—four whole minutes before a Commie comparison.   Cath and Bone win gift certificates for free curly fries at Arby’s. 

BONE

…And in the end of Stalin’s PC, they killed the dissenters.

CATH

Better Stalin than Donald Fruck’s big fat wet dream of a Taj Ma-wall of oppression—

VANESSA 

Hey, walls work.  When I was in China, I didn’t see a single Mexican.

BONE

Trump’s wall cost less than the Obamacare website. Let that sink in.

CATH

Obamacare isn’t raping immigrant children, kicking out those who dare to dream impossible dreams, defunding sanctuary cities and—

ONO

Don’t you know, Cath, the Democrats used to be the ones whomping on immigrants.  Brother Bill Clinton signed the original law separating children from their parents crossing the border illegally—

VANESSA

But it wasn’t a problem for you ‘til Trump.  Says it all!

ONO

Hillary, Joe Biden and brother Barack all voted for the Secure Fence Act of 2006. Same as Trump’s pushing now… 

BRIDGE 

What’s happening, little plants?  I can’t feel you…

ONO

…Now flip-flopping Biden’s insisting that quote undocumented aliens are already Americans unquote in hopes they’ll vote for him.

BONE

That’s what I’m saying—this election ends badly.  Bloody Dems will surely win with all the illegals voting running loose ever’where, like they have the right.  All the more reason to keep a locker full of guns…

BRIDGE 

(As patrons hit the floor and then get back up)

Duck!  Shooter!…Ah, get up everybody”

ONO

We got ourselves more guns than sense.

VANESSA 

Really, Ono?  Used to be, kids played with guns, and we didn’t have mass shootings.  Now kids play with cellphones, mass shootings every week.  Anyone thought about that?

CATH

Ono, when was the federal assault weapons ban passed?

ONO

In ’94.

CATH

And how much did gun massacres fall?

ONO

Thirty seven percent. 

CATH

There!

VANESSA 

Then why does Chicago, with its strict gun control laws, have 2-3 murders every night?

CATH

Because the NRA throws gazillions of dollars to buy everyone off.  To sell more Glocks they’d suck a mile of— 

BONE 

(bellows over her)

Squawk, squawk, laughingstocks!  NRA doesn’t straight-up murder anybody. 

CATH

Oh yes it does.  Every reliable study—

BONE

(again cutting her off)

You know the number one murderer in America? 

VANESSA

Mosquitoes!

BONE

Planned Parenthood.  

ONO

Anyone want real facts?  About all the murdering?  Take away five American cities – Chicago, Detroit, Washington DC, St. Louis, and New Orleans – take ‘em out of it and the U.S. murder rate goes from 3rd worst in the world, to 189th… 

VANESSA 

Sounds more like cities failing.

CATH 

Bullshit!  All the school shootings everywhere?  What’s failing is the Second Amendment.  It was not meant to promote mass slaughter.   

VANESSA 

We ban guns and only criminals and whacks have them. That’s the actual definition of a criminal: someone who’s whacked. 

ONO

(Laughing, trying to keep it light)

Then we’d better keep you off the streets, Vanessa, to keep you out of jail.

VANESSA 

Hunh?

BONE

Vanessa is right.  We banned crystal meth—how’s that working out?  We banned bombs, too.  How’s that feel Oklahoma City, Boston, Austin—

VANESSA 

We should ban texting, though. Definitely.

ONO

More deaths are caused by texting drivers than madmen with rifles.

VANESSA 

I feel you, Ono.

CATH

(Obviously plugging her ears)

La, la, la!  

CATH

At least, at least, do something!  Raise the frickin’ purchasing age—

VANESSA 

And raise the texting age, too!

CATH 

(going shrill)

More than 26,000 studies have linked guns to increased homicides.   

BONE

Then why do politicians and celebrities travel to their anti-gun rallies with armed bodyguards?

CATH

(Even more shrill)

So they don’t get shot by people with guns, idiot brother!  I’ll scream, I tell you. I’ll scream my lungs out until everybody does something…

VANESSA 

Don’t overheat, Cath.  You’re adding to your global warming!

CATH

Don’t you dare touch climate change.  An overwhelming 97% of…

VANESSA 

No, no, no.  Pew had 14% debunking…

ONO

11,944 studies and only 78 studies questioned global warming…

BRIDGE

(cuts them off)

Uh!  Please!  You’re taking greater pride in your contempt for the other side than in the principles you hold so dear.  Carry on….

VANESSA 

So the science is decided, huh Ono?  Cause science decides things?

ONO

Well, clearly you do.

CATH

We know you believe the science behind your never-ending war machine!

VANESSA 

At least we’re not trying to pass legislation outlawing hurricanes and fires!  

ONO

Yeah, well, your politics are whacked!

VANESSA

Yours are worse! 

ONO

This is so hot…

VANESSA

So hot!

BONE

(intercutting with Cath)

Your rising star AOC wants to ban cars..

…and give everyone free money…

…and she calls Donald Trump crazy.

CATH

Arctic is totally melting, people…  

…more plastic in the oceans than fish…  

…half of the sensitive species wiped out.

BONE

Poor animals, I get it yeah I get it…

(Getting up a head of steam for a rap)

But what about us people?

Everyone I know is addicted, conflicted, its sickness

With guv’ment nothing more than business

This is your America in pathetic ruin                     

The utopia you been brewin’                                           (Not true)

So caught up in your PC swine and pearls you got    

Grown men using bathrooms with 12-year-old girls 

Taking better care of aliens than our own young

Schools turning out kids dumb as chewing gum                 (Hoodoo)

Look at ya’all!

This is your America in pathetic ruin                    

The utopia you been brewin’                                           (Bullshit)                      

You got castle walls going up for the privileged

While outside zip codes are left to be pillaged                     

Sending jumpers to bridges their hopes defeated

Folks shouting ‘Jump!” so it can be tweeted                        

This is your America in pathetic ruin

The utopia you been…

BRIDGE 

(Cuts him off)

Bone, you are free to stay but get the hell out of my garden, out of the country if you wish. The rest of us clearly need a commercial break from our sponsor, EIEIO…

(Takes on a TV pitchwoman’s voice)

Do you often feel your blood could boil?  Does seeing a MAGA hat send you over the edge?  Or you’re arguing in the shower with TV pundits?  Or rabidly googling the ninth amendment…again?  If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor if you’re suffering from EIEIO: Everyday Increasingly Exasperating and Immobilizing Outrage.  Act right away because, if left untreated, EIEIO can lead to…  Well, we don’t know.  We only recently invented it, so we don’t know what it leads to…

(Looking at all the arguers with intensity)

How did we get here…this far gone?

CATH 

(after a pause, same time as Vanessa)

Reagan, Bush, Trump.       

VANESSA  

Carter, Clinton, Obama.

ONO

Know-nothing bigots.                           

BONE

Condescending pantywaists.

COMPANY

Fucking extremists!  

BRIDGE

That’s it.  If we’re going off the chain, if I’m going to lose my shit right here, yeah, why not?  Let’s just do it, let’s go extreming!  To the left!

ONO, CATH, COMPANY

(rolling cheer as they get pumped)

Aaaaaaaaaahhhh!

BRIDGE

(Bridge rolls into her deeply ironic whack rap, “Let’s Go Extreming!”

We can call every moment a microaggression

So California feels the need for secession 

Deliberately misinterpret your compliments

Magnify prejudice, call it intolerance 

Islamophobia, it affects all of us

Say Evangelicals wanted the Holocaust

Fight the alt-right with a pipe and bandana

Celebrities threatenin’ to move to Canada 

Call our supporters all great intellectuals

Say the Vice President shocks homosexuals

Russians gave millions to Clinton’s Foundation

So slam Trump for crimes against a nation

Extreme enough, extreme enough?

Is there any decency left in us?

Have we ripped out their hearts?

Viciously tore them apart?

Through our extreming?

Yeah let’s go extreeeeeming

And meming, deceiving, Tel Aviv’ing

Let’s go extreeeeeming!  

Let’s tear us all apart

(A beat, then she jags to the right for the same stunt)

And to the right!

VANESSA

Bring it!

BONE

Oh yeah…now you’re talking.

BRIDGE

Freedom must ring from the highest towers

Except a woman’s choice, that’s a higher power

Flimsy politicians in charge of our defenders 

Rewriting the past, hope no one remembers

The transgender children of Hollywood pedophiles

Holding up mirrors we violently revile

On the news and on Twitter and Fourchan and reddit

It’s already changed since the first person said it

Evolving the plotting the lying and scheming

Behind fictional wars sold as American dreaming

Why’n press “1” for English? America go away?

And why haven’t my berry pickers showed up today?

Extreme enough, extreme enough

Is there any decency left in us?

Have we ripped out their hearts?

Viciously tore them apart?

Through our extreming?

Yeah let’s go extreeeeeming

And meming, deceiving, Tel Aviv’ing

Let’s go extreeeeeming!  

Let’s tear us all apart

 (a beat, then to both sides)

Let’s do this everyone

Let’s tear us all apart, here we go…

COMPANY

(Shouting it wildly)

Extreming! 

BONE

Oh, look, I did get an invite to Silicirque!  I am so down on supporting the sisterhood tonight.

BRIDGE

(On the outro beat, lightly singing)

Phew! What a rough day, little plants. If you say so, Ashwagandha.  But look at you, couldn’t settle down a sloth, right now. Oh I know, Psilocybe, there’s never any stopping you.   I’ll need your help with all the political insanity ramping up again, all the extreming. Me?  Yeah, I was kinda extreme myself.  But that was different, right?  Oren Kalyd is trying to pave us over with all his automation.  That will kill us.  So yeah, I’m off to a war party. To fight for us.

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